My Chronic Illnesses - Phase III

Phase I - Timeline: Age 20-30
Phase II - Timeline: Age 31-Present
» Phase III - Timeline: 33-Present

As if blood clots, rare vascular conditions and chronic ulcers wasn't enough, bring on the mental battle. Let's get into Phase III, chronic mental illness that formulates from years of hardship and ongoing never ending sleepless nights. Chronic illnesses can put a great deal mental strain on a persons psyche. In my case, this constant strain has been ongoing for over 15 years, but it was only recently did I turn for the worse.

There's something that readers need to understand, I didn't have any problems dealing with illnesses in the past, in fact I would usually just brush them off and move on with my life. Recently in the past couple of years as things went from bad to worse, I started feeling the effects of the mental strain and depreciation in quality of life not only for myself, but for my son as well.

So What Changed Mentally?

I can't tell you when my mindset changed, nor can I tell you when it all of sudden took a drastic a dip in positivity. See most people that know me, have always looked up to my strength for motivation and inspiration. In my early years, some would call me a motivational speaker and healthy mind advocate. Just recently, people have noticed a huge change in my outlook and I'm only starting to understand why. Understanding what your mind is going through is the key to taking a positive step towards a healthy change in lifestyle.

So what has changed from previous years? Well for one, I've had to give up working to concentrate on staying healthy. I've always been a hard worker from the get go, never using my disabilities as a crutch. In fact, most of the people I worked with never knew I had leg problems, I am a master at hiding it. More on why people hide their disabilities a little later in this journal. Only very few select individuals would know my true story and would be amazed at how well I hid my condition, especially the massive chronic pain I was in 24/7.

Second, my son is now getting older and is at an age that looks for a father figure for guidance, advice and friendship. Many of the menial things most fathers enjoy with their kids are somewhat of a nightmare for me, taunting me each day since I am not capable of doing most fun activities with my son that everyone enjoys. Small things like walking to the park, throwing a ball around, swimming, teaching him how to skate and flying kites are just some of the activities I no longer can participate in. This barrier has affected me harder than anything in life. Growing up without a father, I wanted nothing more than to be the best dad that I could and to be there for him whenever he needed me. At the moment, I can only be partially there for him since my conditions prevent me from enjoying life's adventures to the fullest (for now at least).

It's Not About the "Poor Me", It's to Educate You!

Please understand this is not a "poor me" cry to the public, I hate self-pity and actually look down at those who thrive on others self-pity for attention. In fact at my previous employer, we had a smoking section downstairs were everyone would congregate, some more than others, but I would always cringe when I saw a certain two individuals yapping away about the same "poor me" song and dance. Once day, I decided to confront them about their illnesses and told them about mine. Their shocked faces told the entire story. People around me wanted to applaud since the two individuals who always looked for someone's ear had absolutely nothing to say afterwards. In fact, another colleague told me that the two individuals in question never complained about the same problems again (which in reality, really weren't that bad).

I guess talking about life's problems is a form of release, but when you do, make sure the person on the receiving end is actually interested and never try to tell the same story twice to the same spectators. Some would say this journal is my form of release, but I assure you that my intentions are quite different. This journal was created to educate and to help individuals with chronic illnesses to better understand themselves and to also help others to understand what we go through on a daily basis. This is my way to dealing with the constant pain and to inform others with chronic illnesses that they aren't alone :)

The Mind Plays Tricks - Chronic Pain Can Hurt!

Never mind the clots, bleeding blood vessels and ulcers, it's the pain that hurts the mind the most. I have an extremely high tolerance for pain. I've been told by some specialists that my tolerance for pain is extreme and most individuals would of cracked by now. The thing is, I did crack just recently which changed my mindset possibly forever. Pain typically doesn't go away, it's a constant reminder of what you have to deal with.

Some people deal with pain differently, some people get different levels of pain. My pain is extreme and the swelling is sometimes unbearable to the point were I feel the need to scream at the walls from time to time just to release my anger. With pain you have good days and bad days. I can usually tell what kind of day it's going to be depending on the swelling, the weather and my tolerance towards others. People have a drastic affect on pain, someone with a loving supporting family will tend to forget about the pain even just for a small portion of the day. While others without any moral support will only concentrate on the negative, their pain will be increased due to the constant sense of loneliness.

Loneliness is a Silent Killer!

Loneliness might be the number one pain educing illness. Most people who suffer from chronic mental illnesses, usually do so alone. As in my case, after quitting my job, I had a great deal of time on my hands to think and to think and to... well you get the point. In the past when I worked from home, I was always busy with my business and always kept my mind from slipping one way or the other. Since my departure from work, I didn't have a project on the go and was torn between what to do with myself. This lifestyle, coupled with the chronic pain - kept building and building. I wouldn't talk to anyone because as I mentioned previously, I like to hide my illnesses so that others see me as a normal human being and not someone who's disabled in any way. This was a recipe for disaster and disaster struck!

We've all considered suicide at one point in our lives, but I actually tried it. If you're reading this and you know me, the thought of me considering suicide is the last thing anyone would see me doing, but it happened and with conviction. One night after going out on a binge, I came home to my loneliness and decided this was it. I tried slitting my wrists, but that didn't work since I couldn't inflict more pain on my body which couldn't heal anyway's. So I looked towards my extensive array of medications and contemplated which one could do it. After much mental debate, I decided that the one medication helping to keep me alive would also be my salvation.

Having a blood clot disorder means I have to constantly keep taking blood thinners to ensure that my body is in a "therapeutic" state. Which means, the thicker my blood gets, the harder my system has to work to ensure my entire body gets the life sustaining substance. Failure to maintain a certain level of "thickness" can be disastrous and can help dislodge some of the dormant clots still within my legs. The night I tried to "off" myself, I figured too much of a good thing can have the opposite negative affect.

See blood thinners are also rat poison. It works by thinning out the blood so much that the blood seeps past blood vessels and into vital organs ultimately shutting down many bodily functions. This was my goal, to take as many blood thinners available to me to have the same affect. If my memory serves me correctly, I managed to take 40x10mg, or 400mg. To my surprise, the taste was so awful, I can recall throwing up afterwards which probably saved my life.

At the request of my family, I admitted myself to the hospital for blood tests and to monitor my condition. In a surprising turn of events, the medical practitioner assigned to my case notified me that my blood had been extremely thick and by taking the immense amount of thinners, it gave my system a "boost of energy" (sort of) by bringing my "INR", the measure of thickness in the blood back to a therapeutic state. Was this a sign? you decide.

Follow the Signs for the Will to Live!

After concluding that my body wasn't going to all of a sudden stop working, the doctor immediately ordered a 48 hour restraint due to my health risk. What that meant is due to my recent attempt on my life, the Health Act gave doctors the power to keep me at the mental unit in the hospital for up to 48 hours. I was even escorted by two security personnel to the crazy ward which felt more like a jail than anything. They must not of seen me as a serious threat since my door was kept unlocked and I was free to explore the hallways.

The only way to get released under the Health Act is by the consent of the on-call psychologist who would need to speak to you and assess that you were no longer a treat to your own personal well being. I want to thank my friends who stayed with me during one of the hardest points in my life (you know who you are, thank you, I love you!).

Speaking with the psychologist was a great eye opener. He immediately realized that I needed and wanted to speak to someone outside of my personal circle. He also determined that I had a tendency to hide my emotions in order to help others and to prevent the people closest to me from worrying too much. I agreed to continue seeing a public service psychologist to better understand my mind and how to cope with the pain.

After just one session, the psychologist ordered me to stop the anti-depressants I was taking since they had no effect what so ever and asked that I come back to see one of their specialists. Within the first session, it was also quickly determined that since I had been so active in my younger years, it was now weighing heavy on my psyche not being able to do the things that I once enjoyed regularly. Our initial plan was to find alternatives to being active. There are many ways you can contribute while dealing with certain restraints.

When Life Hits - Fight Back with a Vengeance!

Since first seeing someone about the mental aspects of dealing with chronic illnesses, we've come up with solutions to "being active" that will help to fulfil my need to keep moving forward. You are now witnessing the repercussions of those important private talks with a psychologist. This journal is one way I am giving back and using my skills to better myself and the lives of many others.

If life hits you with an unforgiving force, fight back with a vengeance, not through self-pity, not through lonely nights alone, not by complaining about life, but by getting involved in something that is bigger than yourself. If you're not big on writing like I am, try volunteering your time at a local community hospital, sports centre, support centre or try serving food to the needy. Give back somehow, get involved with strangers who are going through the same thing you are. Don't be afraid to speak out and assert to those close you about your intentions. You'll soon realize that this process of release helps to ease the pain and makes living more bearable every single day you participate. Over time you will start forgetting about "what's wrong with you" and start living a healthy normal life full of richest you haven't even dreamed about yet.

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While talking about myself is easy, I want to hear from your perspective. This journal features stories such as yours through an easy to do interview by me, which can be completely confidential at your request. Please feel free to post a comment below about your intentions for an interview. Please include contact information (all will be kept private). These interviews help others to understand what you go through on a daily basis and how to get help.

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Thank you for taking the time to read about my life,
I hope to help yours as well!

Sincerely,
Martin Robillard Lemieux
Editor & Author